I hate my sensitivity!!!

I hate how unbelievably sensitive I am. It is quite literally ruining my life. I’ll share a few stories so you can understand more. I was at dinner with my family and my family knows I have an eating disorder so I’m already very self conscious of my eating habits. My mom decides to very obviously watch me eat and critique me when I went for a bite of the baked potato before a bite of the chicken first. She said “eat the chicken it’s healthier” and everyone at the table turned to look at me and I felt my face heat up and felt tears well in my eyes. I asked her if she would mind not watching me eat and comment on how I eat my food especially in front of people because it’s a little humiliating and she told me to stop bitching and that i was acting like a child. That made me instantly cry and then she said I was throwing a temper tantrum.

Another story, I told my brother that I was a little sad that we haven’t seen each other that much especially since he moved only 12 minutes away. I had expected to see him so much more than before when he lived hours away. I’m really close to him and I sometimes feel like I am always trying to make plans with him but if I don’t reach out then we never talk or see each other. I told him I wish i crossed his mind even for a second to maybe invite me over for dinner or go to lunch somewhere and that it hurts feeling like I’m forgotten or don’t mean as much and he said “I’m sorry I actually have a life and don’t have time to sit around doing nothing”. For reference, I’m in school full time to be a sonographer, I don’t have time to sit around and do nothing either. I have no job (trying to work uber eats) and have to make ends meet to make my rent payment which btw is more than his rent and he has a dual income house. I am far from lazy but that comment really hurt so I started crying. He then said omg now you’re playing the victim and then mocked my crying. Which of course made me cry even harder because I’ve never in my life been mocked while crying.. especially by my best friend.

Even when it comes to healthy constructive criticism, I take it to heart and feel myself well up with tears every single time. I grew up in an abusive house with my dad where nothing I did was right so I’d imagine that has something to do with it but now it feels like no matter who I talk to, I can’t say that something upsets or hurts me because the response is always “yeah but you’re affected by everything”.’ That of course then hurts me which kind of proves their point. I hate being sensitive. I care too much about anything and everything and it’s ruining my life. Ruining my relationships. Ruining how I feel about myself and I feel like I’m better off never sharing my feelings but the problem is, is that I’m horrible at hiding them. Im so quick to cry and I just hate my brain so much.

Im a huge empath so there a lot of times that I just need to be alone because going outside drains me with all of that energy. Obviously im autistic and get overstimulated as well so im sure that doesn’t help at all. I just feel so misunderstood and I don’t see my sensitivity as a strength as I’m sure some of you might say. I just care too much about other peoples thoughts of me but I also really really hate being told ALL THE TIME that I’m too sensitive and affected by everything. It makes me feel like I shouldn’t have feelings. Or maybe it’s bc I believe it too and i hate that part of me.