sometimes i feel like a circus monkey

my sister just had a baby on friday and when i tell you that this child is the cutest child on planet earth and i will not take any arguments whatsoever — i mean that.

i’m so excited that she’s here now, but with my autism, the way my excitement presents itself is totally different than neurotypicals.

my excitement is often expressed with a completely straight face, monotone, speaking, and sometimes, absolute silence.

i’m elated, but there’s nothing in my body that guides me to express that on the outside.

so anyway, my friends and other people in my community have been coming up to me in the past few months and they’re all in my face and asking me “aren’t you excited? you’re gonna be an auntie!“

i say “yes,” & i force a smile onto my face and i rack my brain for an acceptable neurotypical response. i do my best to mimic people and what it looks like for them to be excited about something.

i’m tired of the performance and i guess that’s why it makes me feel like a circus monkey.

they keep pressing & asking & asking me — waiting for me to express some type of outward physical reaction.

but i find it draining & deeply unfamiliar to squeal or jump up & down or clap my hands or for my voice to reach a higher octave

it literally feels like I’m trying to crawl out of a hole in the ground — to be on the surface where the “normal” people are.

this is little mermaid coded oh my god 😂 “i wanna be…where the people are” 💀