Stuck in a loop in this process

I'm 29F, as my username suggests I'm a lawyer and I've been in this process since 2023. While I am successful in my career, the love life area has been totally, completely, and royally f***d since the time I gained senses to date. Started with a few abusive relationships (who hasn't?) and then completely gave up on finding a partner for a good 4-5 years where I completely focused on my career and personal goals.

Once I turned 27, I told my parents that I'm ready to get married and they should start finding someone because I haven't been able to. I wanted to keep my options open because you never know when or how you meet the person with whom you feel right and emotionally safe. I think I was very ignorant to this process before entering because I genuinely thought "Oh come on! It's 2020s, how regressive can this be now?" And boy I was wrong! I have encountered the most problematic people during this process. People who still believe in controlling women, people who subtly indicate what their real expectations are, people who are expecting a goddamn superhuman who can handle everything. It's sad. It's genuinely sad.

I wasn't questioning the whole idea of marriage before but now I am. I do find myself thinking whether all this hassle is worth it. Should I just make peace with my life the way it is right now and give up on finding a partner. I mean I have stressed so much about this my entire 20s that now that I'm turning 30 I simply have stopped caring. I mean if my parents don't keep sending me rishtas or I don't see some college mate or schoolmate getting married on insta, sometimes I forget that I also wanted to get married.

And I'm sure it's the same for men and women I know so many of my male friends who are not able to find a girl. People who rejected me two years ago on the matrimonial app come back and send a request again lol. My coping mechanism is humour so I just laugh at this whole thing now. I laugh and deep down I question "itna zaruri hai kya yeh".

I genuinely like my life as it is right now, the only thing I need to work on is self discipline and I keep trying to get better at it. I keep finding myself thinking quite often do I really need this now? Apart from that whole fear of ending up alone, I can't find a single reason why I should keep encountering such obnoxious people. And even if some are genuinely good, there will be compatibility issues. I know there's no solution to it right now. I know I have to just go through this phase of life and come out with whatever outcome life has deemed fit for me.

But the thing is I'm slowly getting to a place where I'm okay with either. If I find the right person and I do get married, that'll come with its own challenges and experiences. And if I don't find someone and stay unmarried that'll come with its own challenges and experiences. I don't think there's a right or wrong way here.

It's just that it gets difficult to deal with this sometimes. I worked way too hard on my self esteem issues so now I don't think that there's something wrong with me and that's why I'm not able to find someone. The thing is I am who I am. I am not perfect. And the person who will be interested in me will not be perfect either. All I need to find is a place where both of us can accept each other for who we are and push each other to grow as individuals.

But it's clearly easier said than done, this sounds so simple yet it's extremely rare to find.

Okay I'm done with my venting, thanks for reading or not reading. 💁