aitk for going back to my ex situationship after breaking up with my ex boyfriend because I was mad at him?

Ik I am going to get judged and called names for this post. But I genuinely need advice to what to do where to go from here because I’m in a terrible place right now. This is going to be a long post.

so last year (2024) in the beginning of january I met a guy let's call him F on an online dating app and I lost my virginity to him. It was consensual and I enjoyed having sex with him. It was clear to both of us that it wouldn't become a serious thing in any way. But I got attached and caught feelings for him (which I didn't tell him). This guy was into hardcore drugs and shit and I don't think he was emotionally into anyone. It went on for around 3 months my friends also shat on me but I still kept going back to him. I tried talking to him and hangout with him with my feelings still there but I had to force myself to get out of it and not talk to him because I knew it was not going to go anywhere. After then I went into a spiral and to get over him I went with other guys (I understand guys this is not the right thing to do I am aware of it now). I started smoking a lot doing weed and stuff around that year everything went to shit to a point where I couldn't stay alone with myself. At one point with another guy I also had a pregnancy scare but the guy just left me with a text that I have a problem of getting attached (which I'm aware of). I couldn't get into anything serious with anyone and the other guys kind of saw it that I was still not over F. I did everything to get over F taking trips,going out with friends but still couldn't get over him. Throughout the year F and I were still in contact where we would just text each other.

We also met around October and slept with each other after which he told me that he's not well health wise so l again went into a spiral where I isolated myself from everyone after that night with and couldn't sleep eat or function as a normal human being. This F equation went on for the whole year. But towards the end of the year during the month of November I met someone let's call him A again from a dating app. I had given up on looking for someone and just met him casually again idk to get over F l guess (ik guys I sound like a mentally sick person). So this guy was different from everyone. He was very nice and I wasn't used to dating these type of guys looking at my past. He hadn't been physical with anyone. But we slept together. It was consensual but he was a virgin. So I wanted to give it a try. So we got into a relationship within the first 15 days of getting to know each other. I told him about my past history about the guys I had been with. In the beginning of the relationship he was ok with it. Things in our relationship were going great but whenever we had sex he would tell me how he would feel bad (because I was good at it from past experiences-his words)

After like a month into dating he would tell me how I am too pretty and question me why I am even with him. He had a lot of self esteem and self image issues. But I would always reassure him that I like him just the way he is. I loved him. I was there for him. And I'm not gonna lie I have also been in the wrong because whenever we would argue I would tell him stuff which were hurtful like he was an asshole, he didn't care about me and all. But then I would also go back and apologise to him. During that time also even though I was over F I still hadn't blocked F and he would text me sometimes to hangout but I told him I was with someone else. I was over F.

But in this new year A and I had a big fight because on the new years night he got very drunk with his friends and didn't text him. I was hurt. So that fight got very big and ended up with me breaking up with him. But he still apologised and wanted this relationship to work. But after 2 days when I calmed down he said we should end it for real or like take a break because he thought I was not happy with him. This time I begged him to not leave me but he was sure about it because he thought he was not good enough for me. But we still remained friends but would often get into arguments which led to this break turning into a break up. After which I removed him from everywhere. I got so mad at him. During this time F texted me and in this anger I slept with him. Ik guys l am very wrong. But this time with F I told him about everything that happened last year how I was in love with him and everything. F was shocked to hear that because he thought I didn't take him seriously so he never thought I liked him. He told me he would have dated me if I would've told him before all this. I told him about A and how I was in love with A. So it was like a final goodbye to F. Ik I shouldn't have slept with F while having feelings for A. Big asshole move on my part.

After that night I texted A because I was miserable for what I had done just to talk where I told him how much I miss him and wanted him. A was nice but his texts felt he was very casual about it so l was hurt (ik guys ik I'm a shittu person) so to hurt him back I told him about sleeping with F. He got mad and did something extremely terrible that is made his friend text me from his phone. Which I felt humiliated because I had poured my heart out in the previous texts just for him to show it to his friend. I felt terrible and we had a big fight and again.

Guys pls say anything you want I will take everything, every judgment that comes with this post. Ik I had made terrible decisions and made very bad mistakes. But I don’t know where to go from this how to cope.