Boundary versus rule

A lot of people here mix up boundaries with rules all the time, so I thought I'd clarify and share what I've learned in three years of therapy and 6 months of betrayal trauma recovery work: boundaries are only for you, never for another person.

A boundary may look like this:

"If I think you have been drinking, I will sleep somewhere else."

A boundary says what YOU will do if XYZ happens. It states that you will make decisions based on YOUR PERCEPTION. A boundary doesn't depend on them deciding to tell you the truth or not. They can't argue with your perception.

"You can't drink in the house" is a rule, not a boundary, and one that they will very likely break.

The distinction is important because you have to be aware that adults normally don't take very well to others imposing rules on them, and also because your rule will almost definitely be broken, because you personally cannot control if your partner adheres to the rule you put down for them. (ETA: Only rules decided upon as a team and valid for all involved parties can be successful.)

BUT you CAN control your boundaries, your own behavior. You can make 100 percent sure that your boundaries are never broken, because you are the one controlling YOUR behavior. You cannot control that your rules will not be broken, and, in all likelihood, they probably will.

Another person CANNOT break your boundaries, but they can (and likely will) break your rules. They also, if they exhibit abusive and manipulative tendencies, will try to get you to cross/ break your own boundaries. That's how they know they'll get away with anything, because you don't do what you said you'd do if XYZ happened.

A classic example of this would be "I will leave you if you do this again". And then they do, but you don't leave. They didn't break that boundary. YOU did. And now they know you won't hold either them or yourself accountable.

ETA: As another commenter in another sub has pointed out, this is why it is absolutely paramount to only share about boundaries that you are willing to follow through on. In my opinion, it's not even necessary to share all boundaries. For example, "if you physically assault me, I will leave" is a given and need not be stated. BUT if you do share your boundary with them, make sure you'll be good and ready to follow through.

This clarity is needed to manage your expectations and take better care of yourself (I know I need to).

Thanks for coming to my TED talk 😅